Who in the hell is Elane Johnson? Why in the hell is she so stupid?
What in the hell is STUPIDish??
So many questions. But, of course, I have answers. I’m not that stupid. I’m a Georgia girl, which means you might consider me a “dumbass.” But, you’d be wrong.
All righty. Let’s go on and get these essential things out of the way:
- I write and I swear. Copiously.*
- And, I’m deaf, which does not make me stupid despite what that one cashier at CVS thinks.
- I read lips, and I know the universal sign for “fuck you.”
- (If you hurt my family or friends, or if you’re rude to me like that one cashier at CVS, expect the finger. Also, I said I’m deaf. So, quit calling me!)
*OMG. Look it up. You have your phone right there.
Elane Johnson =
- Award-winning writer of creative nonfiction & fiction
- Award-winning teacher of writing (Giant cookies don’t lie.)
- Award-winning student
- Award-winning sister (Best Sister, 1963 – present)
- Award-winning baby
(Most Likely to Need to Trim Those Thighs,
back-to-back wins, 1964 & 1965)
As you can plainly tell, I am certainly not uneducated. And, I’m not technically stupid.
Y’all don’t believe me and need more proof? Fuck y’all. Here:
- Original member of the first “gifted program” in Georgia
- A shit-ton of academic awards and honors that allow me to get away with using the term “shit-ton”
- Magna Cum Laude undergraduate
- 4.0 graduate-graduate
- Teacher of the Year, 2013
- Winner out of over 4,000 adjunct instructors for the 2016 Excellence in Adjunct Teaching Award at SNHU
- Writing awards out the ass, which allow me to get away with using the phrase “out the ass.” Also, “for reals.”
- I hold a U.S. Patent. For reals.
- Plus, I understand what “τ > π” means.
And, I teach creative writing (at Gotham Writers’ Workshop, the highly acclaimed, world-famous school in NYC, which is a fine educational institution that does not endorse any of the opinions and/or ideas on this website except this one: My students ROCK!).
Many of my students are award-winning and published writers, and while I certainly can’t take the credit for their success, I will take that 50/50 split** we talked about.
**Always remember to read the fine print, dudes.
All right. Now, as I already said, but you were probably reading a text message or watching some dumbass video of people falling, although I’m not technically stupid…and by that, I mean that being raised in the South, having a Southern accent, and being deaf aren’t the things that make me stupid…So, once again for the stragglers: Although I’m not technically stupid…
…that doesn’t mean I haven’t made
stupid, stupid choices.
- I’ve been married a lot.
- I’ve been divorced a lot.
- My husband and I sold our house, bought a 37-foot RV and a monster Dodge RAM, and I wrecked it on the first day out. Shut up. That sumbitch was lonnnnnnnnnnng.
- We had…ummmmm…seven “collisions” before we gave up.
- We moved to FLORIDA. That right there is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
- I once snorted a laugh during a panel interview, and a glob of snot rocketed out of my nose and oozed down my face.
- I participated in beauty pageants and wore a bathing suit with heels. In front of people.
- I am a porn star. (Look. It’s really better if you just don’t overthink it.)
- When I was 8, I stuck a knife in our toaster to un-wedge my PopTart. Yes, it was plugged in. Yes, I got zapped. Yes, it hurt like a mo-fo.
- I used to wish to be deaf like my dad. And now I AM.
- I fell down in Walmart, and it’s on video.
- I quit law school after one semester, which isn’t the stupid part. This is—I am an adjunct instructor, which pays in pieces of shit that have been rolled in some more shit and sprinkled with dust of shit.
I have a BLACK BELT in DISASTER.
(Mostly my fault, too.)
Come join me on the STUPIDish blog to see how a PRO fucks things up.***
***Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if anyone gets hurt. Because that was your warning. Right there.