Who the hell is Elane Johnson? Why the hell is she so stupid?
What the hell is Southernish??
So many questions. But, of course, I have answers. I’m not that stupid. I’m a Georgia girl, which means you might consider me “Southern.” But, you’d be wrong.
A little sweet:
I retain many fine qualities of the typical Southern woman, but eschew most of the things that y’all not-Southerners assume about people born and raised in the South.
- Love me some sweet tea. (But, don’t be putting lemon in my sweet tea. Gross. If I wanted lemonade, I would’ve fucking ordered lemonade.)
- Can be gracious and polite when necessary.
- Have an accent. I found out I had one when I was arguing about not having one, and I said: “Ah do not have an accent.” Oh.
- Eat grits, deviled eggs, pimento cheese, and fried chicken as long as it ain’t got bones.
- Say ain’t and cain’t for emphasis any time I damn well please.
- Say fixing to when I’m about to do something and Do you want to push the buggy? at Walmart.
- Participated in beauty pageants. Shut up.
- Had big, blonde hair once.
- Have been known to be sexy. I am a porn star, you know. Shhhhhhhh. It’s fine.
- Don’t have a slow drawl because I already talk so much that it would be days before I finish on a topic. And because everyone assumes people with a Southern drawl are uneducated or stupid.
- Don’t eat ‘possum.
- Don’t go mudbogging’.
- Don’t chaw tobbacuh.
- Don’t spend all day Sunday in church.
- Don’t worship football.
- Don’t go to hoe-downs or git shitfaced listening to country music.
FUCK, NO (A little salty.)
- Don’t believe that white people are better than any other race. We are all people. (It’s really simple.) I hate racism and slavery.
- Don’t defer to the menfolk.
- Don’t eat chitlins, which are intestines, people. They had shit in them.
- Don’t eat collards. (Everybody I know just luuuuuuuvs collards. The fuck is wrong with y’all?)
All righty. Let’s go on and get these essential things out of the way:
- I write and I swear. Copiously.*
- And, I’m deaf, which does not make me stupid despite what that one cashier at CVS thinks.
- I read lips, and I know the universal sign for “fuck you.”
- (If you hurt my family or friends, or if you’re rude to me like that one cashier at CVS, expect the finger. Also, I said I’m deaf. So, quit calling me!)
*OMG. Look it up. You have your phone right there.
Elane Johnson =
- Award-winning writer of creative nonfiction & fiction
- Award-winning teacher of writing (Giant cookies don’t lie.)
- Award-winning student
- Award-winning sister
(Best Sister, 1963 – present)
- Award-winning baby
(Most Likely to Need to Trim Those Thighs,
back-to-back wins, 1964 & 1965)
As you can plainly tell, I am certainly not uneducated. And, I’m not technically stupid.
Y’all don’t believe me and need more proof? Fuck y’all. Here:
- Original member of the first “gifted program” in Georgia
- A shit-ton of academic awards and honors that allow me to get away with using the term “shit-ton”
- Magna Cum Laude undergraduate
- 4.0 graduate-graduate
- Teacher of the Year, 2013
- Winner out of over 4,000 adjunct instructors for the 2016 Excellence in Adjunct Teaching Award at SNHU
- Writing awards out the ass, which allow me to get away with using the phrase “out the ass.” Also, “for reals.”
- I hold a U.S. Patent. For reals.
- Plus, I understand what “τ > π” means.
And, I teach creative writing (at Gotham Writers’ Workshop, the highly acclaimed, world-famous school in NYC, which is a fine educational institution that does not endorse any of the opinions and/or ideas on this website except this one: My students ROCK!).
Many of my students are award-winning and published writers, and while I certainly can’t take the credit for their success, I will take that 50/50 split** we talked about.
**Always remember to read the fine print, dudes.
All right. Now, as I already said, but you were probably reading a text message or watching some dumbass video of people falling, although I’m not technically stupid…and by that, I mean that being raised in the South, having a Southern accent, and being deaf aren’t the things that make me stupid. So, once again for the stragglers: Although I’m not technically stupid…
…that doesn’t mean I haven’t made
stupid, stupid choices.
A lotta stupid:
I have a BLACK BELT in DISASTER. Mostly my fault.
Come join me on the Southernish blog to see how a PRO fucks things up.***
***Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if anyone gets hurt. Because that was your warning. Right there.