Who the hell is Elane Johnson? Why the hell is she so stupid?

What the hell is Southernish??

So many questions. But, of course, I have answers. I’m not that stupid. I’m a Georgia girl, which means you might consider me “Southern.” But, you’d be wrong.                               

I’m Southernish.

A little sweet:

I retain many fine qualities of the typical Southern woman, but eschew most of the things that y’all not-Southerners assume about people born and raised in the South.           

YES

  • Love me some sweet tea. (But, don’t be putting lemon in my sweet tea. Gross. If I wanted lemonade, I would’ve fucking ordered lemonade.)
  • Can be gracious and polite when necessary.
  • Have an accent. I found out I had one when I was arguing about not having one, and I said: “Ah do not have an accent.” Oh.
  • Eat grits, deviled eggs, pimento cheese and fried chicken as long as it ain’t got bones.
  • Say ain’t and cain’t for emphasis any time I damn well please.
  • Say fixing to when I’m about to do something and Do you want to push the buggy? at Walmart.
  • Participated in beauty pageants. Shut up.
  • Had big, blonde hair once.
  • Have been known to be sexy. I am a porn star, you know. Shhhhhhhh. It’s fine.

NO

  • Don’t have a slow drawl because I already talk so much that it would be days before I finish on a topic. And because everyone assumes people with a Southern drawl are uneducated or stupid.
  • Don’t eat ‘possum.
  • Don’t go mudbogging’.
  • Don’t chaw tobbacuh.
  • Don’t spend all day Sunday in church.
  • Don’t worship football.
  • Don’t go to hoe-downs or git shitfaced listening to country music.

FUCK, NO (A little salty.)

  • Don’t believe that white people are better than any other race. We are all people. (It’s really simple.) I hate racism and slavery.
  • Don’t defer to the menfolk.
  • Don’t eat chitlins, which are intestines, people. They had shit in them.
  • Don’t eat collards. (Everybody I know just luuuuuuuvs collards. The fuck is wrong with y’all?)

All righty. Let’s go on and get these essential things out of the way:

  1. I write and I swear. Copiously.*
  2. And, I’m deaf, which does not make me stupid despite what that one cashier at CVS thinks.
  3. I read lips, and I know the universal sign for “fuck you.”
  4. (If you hurt my family or friends, or if you’re rude to me like that one cashier at CVS, expect the finger.  Also, I said I’m deaf.  So, quit calling me!)

*OMG. Look it up. You have your phone right there.

Elane Johnson =

  • Award-winning writer of creative nonfiction & fiction
  • ​Award-winning teacher of writing (Giant cookies don’t lie.)  Greatest Teacher
  • Award-winning student
  • Award-winning sister

(Best Sister, 1963 – present)

  • Award-winning baby

Sunbather(Most Likely to Need to Trim Those Thighs,

back-to-back wins, 1964 & 1965) The plane, the plane

As you can plainly tell, I am certainly not uneducated. And, I’m not technically stupid.

Y’all don’t believe me and need more proof? Fuck y’all. Here:

  • Original member of the first “gifted program” in Georgia
  • A shit-ton of academic awards and honors that allow me to get away with using the term “shit-ton”
  • Magna Cum Laude undergraduate
  • 4.0 graduate-graduate
  • Teacher of the Year, 2013
  • Winner out of over 4,000 adjunct instructors for the 2016 Excellence in Adjunct Teaching Award at SNHU
  • Writing awards out the ass, which allow me to get away with using the phrase “out the ass.” Also, “for reals.”
  • I hold a U.S. Patent. For reals.
  • Plus, I understand what “τ > π” means.

And, I teach creative writing (at Gotham Writers’ Workshop, the highly acclaimed, world-famous school in NYC, which is a fine educational institution that does not endorse any of the opinions and/or ideas on this website except this one: My students ROCK!).

Many of my students are award-winning and published writers, and while I certainly can’t take the credit for their success, I will take that 50/50 split** we talked about.

**Always remember to read the fine print, dudes.

All right. Now, as I already said, but you were probably reading a text message or watching some dumbass video of people falling, although I’m not technically stupid…and by that, I mean that being raised in the South, having a Southern accent, and being deaf aren’t the things that make me stupid. So, once again for the stragglers: Although I’m not technically stupid…

    …that doesn’t mean I haven’t made                  

                               stupid, stupid choices. 

A lotta stupid:

I have a BLACK BELT in DISASTER. Mostly my fault.

 Come join me on the Southernish blog to see how a PRO fucks things up.***

***Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if anyone gets hurt. Because that was your warning. Right there.