Proof that I can hold two opposing ideas in my mind simultaneously.
Do I like the smell of pee? Do I enjoy picking up pieces of poo or scraping channels of packed poo out of my tennis shoe treads with a toothpick? Does it feel good when a “power chewer” clamps his jaws on the middle of my hand when I’m simply trying to break up a vicious 3 AM fight between two male puppies who both believe they are the Alpha? Does a bear shit in the master bathroom and wipe its ass with Charmin?
When I’m away from home, do I pine for six precious little puppy eyes? Do I adore doggie kisses even when they leave a schmear of shit-smell on my skin? Are MY dogs the cutest fur-babies in the entire known universe? Does a bear shit in the woods?
So, yeah. Cameron Diaz came out this week…no, not like that. MISS Diaz came out in the press with her opinion that marriage is a dying institution. Now, having grown up fully embracing the idea that “practice makes perfect,” I think I know a hell of a lot more about marriage than MISS Diaz does. Or ever will. In fact, if the aforementioned corollary is true, then I am a freaking matrimony master. A wedding whiz. A connubiality connoisseur. You get the picture.
MISS Diaz is merely a nuptial novice, and she is just all sour-grapes because she can’t GET anyone to marry her. After her comments exploded like an unarmed despot dictator’s brain matter because what she has to say is such momentous fricking NEWS, a super-credible psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team, Dr. Keith Ablow, agreed unequivocally with MISS Diaz. According to the doctor, “90 percent of the married patients I speak with would rank their marriages in the top two stressors in their lives, while only 10 percent would rank their marriages as one of the top two sources of strength in their lives.” Huh. Isn’t that kind of like a dentist stating that a high percentage of his patients come to him with some concern about their mouths? People who have happy marriages don’t go see marriage counselors, numnuts. Did Dr. Ablow poll the millions of couples with whom he DOESN’T speak? I rest my case. But only about what dumbasses celebrities (more on that this week) and compensated medical experts are.
As far as marriage goes, I’ve had A LOT of practice and know practically everything there is to know about it. And I say people ought to be able to make a commitment to whomever or whatever they choose. If a fellow wants to marry his Dustbuster ®, more power to him, and let the sucking begin*.
*OMFG. I’m kidding. Do NOT go around saying I think people should marry a vacuum cleaner. Y’all don’t need to go all cray.